4th of July Jokes
Question & Answer
Red, white, blue, and confused:
Q: What’s red, white, blue, and ugly?
A: A revolutionary warthog.
Q: What is red, white, blue, and yellow?
A: A star-spangled banana.
Q. What is red, white, blue, and green?
A: A patriotic pickle.
Short and sweet:
Q: Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
A: Because the horse was too heavy to carry.
Q: What did Paul Revere say at the end of his historic ride?
A: I’ve got to get a softer saddle!
Q: Why did George Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?
A: Because his mom wouldn’t let him use the chainsaw.
Q: How is a healthy person like the United States?
A: They both have good constitutions.
Kids Say the Darndest Things
The Fourth of July weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. “We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.” One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .
“I’m not free. I’m four.”
A little boy just couldn’t learn. One day his teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn’t know. For almost a week she asked him the same question every day, but still he couldn’t come up with the right answer.
Finally, in desperation, she called the boy’s father to her office. “Your boy won’t tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence,” she complained.
“Come here, son, and sit down,” the dad said to the boy. “Now if you signed that crazy thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!”
And an adult version
The teacher asked a little boy in her class who signed the Declaration of Independence and was surprised when he answered, “Damned if I know.”
Put out by his swearing she told him to go home and bring his father back with him. The next day, the father came with his son and sat in the back of the room to observe.
She asked the little boy again, “Now, Johnny, I’ll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of Independence?”
“Well, hell, teacher,” Johnny said, “I told you I didn’t know.”
The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger at his son, and said, “Johnny, I raised you better than that! If you signed that damn thing you damn well better admit it!”.
More than a Little Confusion
“Well,” snarled the tough old General Cornwallis to the bewildered soldier. “I suppose after you get discharged from the army, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.” “Not me, General!” the soldier replied. “Once I get out of the army, I’m never going to stand in line again!”
During the Revolutionary war, a Lieutenant asked a soldier why he was falling back during a really fierce battle. “Didn’t you hear me say that we’re outnumbered 4 to 1?” The soldier replied, “I got my four Sir.”
A little boy named José went to his first baseball game on the 4th of July. He was a bit surprised before the game started to see the massive crowd stand to its feet and begin to sing. He became a bit dismayed, wondering if he would be able to see the ball game with large numbers of tall people standing all around him.
As soon as they faced the flag and raised their voices in song, however, José was put at ease. How welcoming they all were! Their concern for him touched his heart deeply as the very first thing that gigantic mass of people sang to him was: “José, can you see?”
Mary and Lucy were in the parking lot after the big fireworks show and 4th of July celebrations, trying to unlock the door of Mary’s car with a coat hanger because they had accidentally left the keys in the car.
“I can’t seem to get this door unlocked!” Mary complained to Lucy, trying desperately to maneuver the coat hanger.
“Well, I wish you would hurry up,” Lucy replied. “It’s starting to rain and the top is down!
They Said What?!?
“I wish you all a HAPPY FOURTH.
I’d like to tell you now
Get a pencil; write this down
I’m gonna tell you how.
Pass it on to all your friends
Just tell them what you heard.
The way to have a happy FOURTH
Is to buy a FIFTH on the THIRD!”
“Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.”
“It was decided almost two-hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.”
“You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”